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EASTER 2011
In 2011 we upheld recent tradition by throwing ideas into a hat and having each person draw another person's idea (EGG #1). As well, everyone also had to make an egg to the specifications of last years winner (EGG #2). Last year's winner was unfortunately Riley, but nevertheless we stuck to recent tradition and allowed him to choose the universal category of..... BODY PARTS! Yeah, things went anotomically south pretty quick, but all in good fun. LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN!
BODY PART: FUNNY BONE by Connor. Ha ha ha, indeed! Here's the joke that got the funny bone started:
"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"The-winner-is-not."
"The-winner-is-not who?"
"The winner is not you!"
BODY PART: HURT FOOT by Bob. Ah, it wouldn't be a family friendly easter egg competition without a bit of gore, now would it? Here the artist painfully actualizes his experience at last-year's competition when Riley figuratively stepped on his toes to unseat him as champion egg-decorator. But no one can move on while they are still fixated on the past, thus Bob is doomed to relive the pain again and again until he can make his peace with it.
BODY PART: BIG TOE by Steve. You know what they say about a man with a big toe, don't you? They say, "Man, that fellow can really keep his balance." Well, they say other things too, but they are grossly inappropriate for a high-brow review of a family friendly easter egg competition. One thing they don't say about a guy with a big toe: "And the winner is.... that guy with the big toe!"
BODY PART: OVUM by Richard. At first I thought this was some sort of brain cell or something, but then Richard told me about the birds and the bees and the.... well, after some fiddle music and several dozen diagrams I pretty much had it figured out. Unfortunately the judges did not think the idea was as well-conceived as it, well, was.
BODY PART: BUTT CRACK by Chris. Well, we all saw it coming. Thus begins the long slide of the family easter egg competition into a state of disrepute. Soon we'll be doing poop jokes and publishing our results in the Sun. The dykes have burst and there's no point in closing the barn door now. *Sigh* This used to be such a classy competition.....
BODY PART: EGG PALM by Fern. Have you ever caught anything in the egg of your palm? Is that even a term in common parlance? I'm about as confused as a possum in a clothes-dryer right now, and it seems the judges were as well. It's just as well that this idea didn't win: the high-fives afterward would be M-E-S-S-Y-!
BODY PART: THUMBNAIL by Kalum. It was a good idea. Indeed, the arc of an eggshell really does resemble that of the human thumb. This idea had serious potential. It had gusto, it had panache. It had rhythm, it had music, it had.... egg-palm. Yeah, it all fell apart at egg-palm. It turns out egg-palm is pretty much to egg decorating competition as Ted McGinley is to sitcoms. Way to jump the shark, Kalmu.
BODY PART: BOOGER IN THE NOSE by Hayden. Yup, you saw it here first. Someone actually submitted a booger. Looking over the voting records I see that it actually garnered more votes than all the egg-palms put together, however. BOO EGG-PALM!!!!!!1!!! Maybe Hayden is on to something here....
BODY PART: EGG NOSE by Jen. Always dangerous, this former champion took it on the chin with her nose entry. Maybe it was the.... nasal piercing? Actually, it just looks like a big hairy nose-mole. Maybe this entry would come out on top in some sort of franchise marriage like Alien vs. Predator: NOSE-MOLE vS. EGG-PALM: THE RACE TO ZERO! But, c'mon, it's up against boogers and bare-butts here, so it obviously stood no chance. Better luck next egg!
BODY PART: OPTICAL NERVE by Cathy. Maybe it was the fact that it looked more like a comet than a squid in a tricorn hat, and that it looked more like a squid in a tricorn hat than an optical nerve that lost it the competition. Rationale aside, it did in fact lose so..... yeah.
BODY PART: EGG EARS by Cheryl This eary entry was earily too eary for the judges. It looks like the ostracized love-child of Prince Charles and Will Smith fell into a vat of mutagen with Dumbo and Mickey Mouse. Also the eerie -sorry -eary translucent skin thing was a little off-putting. Is it supposed to be a ghost or just Robert Pattinson? Add up all these little design flaws and the piece lost critical traction and slipped into the proverbial egg-palm puddle of gunk.
BODY PART: BLOODSHOT EYE by Tyler. This bloodshot eye lacks the intensity of other bloodshot eyes, and its vote score shows it. Give me some rage, or insomnia, or maybe a burst blood-vessel or at least one of those freaky Romanian eye-brows.... something! As it stands (or stares, anyway), this piece just doesn't have that little something extra to grab the judges' attention and demand their votes. Verdict: EGG-PALMED!
BODY PART: SKELETON by Amy. Tsk tsk.... Somebody hasn't been doing their internet research. Winning skeletons are SO 2008. you gotta get with the times, man! You gotta roll with the punches, go with the flow, jive with the cool cats, zig with the zeitgeist! Let me lay it on ya straight, bro-man: Don't get EGG-PALMED!
BODY PART: CROSS-EYED by Robin. What is this, 2006? Those who fail to learn from the past (Conveniantly archived at www.vanwijst.com/people) are doomed to repeat its mistakes! Keep yer eyes on the prize....hold on. EGG-PALMED!
BODY PART: BRAINS by Kaitlin. This piece won a lot of support from the zombie voters in the family. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the proportion of active family members that are currently zombies are in a distinct minority these days. I guess brains in a jar is just an idea whose time has yet to come.
BODY PART: EYE by Lee Ann. THE UNBLINKING EYE OF SAURON IS UPON YE! Or maybe its some sort of Egyptian/Masonic symbol. Any way you cut it, it's still just another egg-shaped eyeball. When will the artists learn.... EGG-PALMED!
Well, that's enough non-winning body parts for now. The rest of the eggs are based on ideas supplied by other contestants and drawn out of a hat at random.
MARY POPPINS by Magdalen. Oh, it's a joly holiday with MARY! Unfortunately the practically perfect Miss Poppin's beady little eyes and bulbous nose were not enough to garner the judges' affections. At least practically perfect people never let appearances get in the way of.... not winning.
FRUIT by Ryely. The fruit of the Ryely tree is as creative as it is unpalatable. This piece attempts to put a fresh spin on an old source of natural sugars and vitamins, but makes a critical error in terminology that proved fatal at the time of judging. Everyone knows that the edible flesh surrounding the seeds of a plant, or someone who is goofy or crazy, can be defined as a fruit; whereas any other edible part of a plant, or someone reduced to a vegetative state of being, is in fact a vegetable. I don't mean to bandy about terms loosely and somewhat erroneously, so I'll just finish up by saying better luck next time, Fruity.
CLOWN by Hayden. These creepy scary clowns never do well come voting time. The electors get all freaked-out at the horror. Why, Hayden? WHY?!?!?????
RACOON by Amy. Usually I'm in favour of busty whatcha-mijiggers, but this piece utterly fails to arouse my interest. Why the plume head? The reflective tile skirt? Would it kill the "racoon" to show a bit of leg? Sorry, Coony old girl, but this just ain't your pageant.
ESKIMO by Robin. What is this, the 1970s? Who even uses the term eskimo anymore? Well, it's not really the artist's fault since he only drew the topic. This is the fault of the artist, however: the piece looks like a samuri in a bathrobe is taking his giant pet albino ladybug for a jaunty stroll. If only there were some way of making a somewhat spherical structure in an egg-decorating competition without having to resort to oragami. Hmmmmm...... Keep thinking.
CAR by Kalum. "Learn how to hop, you darn bunny!" This crotchety old wagoneer is best known for his road rage and his colourful language. Oh, and also hauling hogs to market on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Hey, you'd be crotchety too if you had to drive around knee deep in pig manure all the time. Basically this guy was not on the fast-track to success, so we'll leave him to his directionless wrath.
SWEET STANLEY by Fern. Holy Nasal Effluence Batman! Is that dreamy youth dripping an egg-sized booger on our country's most cherished trophy? No.... it's just some sort of snow pyramid built in the classicl Maya style. Confused? Try not to be: this all made sense to the artist.... kinda.
DRACULA by Tyler. "I vant to show you my two blankets!" the nefarious villain pleads as blood drips from his lips. Granted, the mis-sized and multi-colour eyes are disconcerting, and the Rudolf nose is off-putting to say the least. But in the end the judges just couldn't get over the ginger comb-over and the two-foot chin. BUWUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
HARRY POTTER by Chris. It looks likes a bespectacled nerd is on his way to a Christmas comic book convention by dressing up as a garlanded rocket ship. Let us launch ourselves into the world of tomorrow! But first let the judges launch you out of the competition: T-minus three, two, one and.... defeat engaged. Repeat, we have lost. Over.
BUNNY RABBIT by Lee Ann. There's something glistening on the end of her nose and her mascara is starting to run. Hun, you go home and look after YOU and we'll deal with this whole competition thing next year, ok?
TERRORIST by Cathy. This nefarious villain is more characature than fiend. With his arms growing out of his head and his birthday candles strewn about he seems more confused than insidious. For those truly inspired to fruitless paranoia he at least carries a sign to warn of his approach. In the end, the clever use of materials still fails to capture the spirit of the theme.
MICHAEL JACKSON by Cheryl. Michael Jackson is back from the grave and appearing in hillbilly easter egg competitions! Well, it's still not the weirdest thing he's done. Rock on, Jacko, Rock on.
WOODSTOVE by Noelan. It is a travesty of justice and a quirk of the voting system that this piece did not win a prize. The exit polls indicated that most people figured a piece this good must have been made by an adult, so no one bothered to vote for it. Little did they realize that it was a four year old commanding and directing those adults that was ultimately responsible for this stunning creation. The only criticism I can offer is that the egg seems a little.... superfluous. Better luck gaming the system next time!
PRINCESS STEVE by Steve. This apparent self-portrait bears a striking likeness to the artist. On more than one occasion I offered it a beer and once I swear I heard it making fun of Ryely. Alas, as we saw above, the judges are more enamoured with developmental experimentation (ie kiddy-style) than such brazen realism. Tone down the photo-realistic dial a bit and put on some heals in that long gown and the artist could well go far.
STEVEN HARPER ON MAY 3 by Richard. A little bit of 2011 Canadian election humour here. Too bad this topic was drawn by the guy from Quebec... Some of us anglos would have really put ol' Stevy through the ringer. Politics aside, a sufficient swathe of the family is either too young to vote in federal elections or too jaded to care, and so this piece could not win its long-cherished majority.
NEWFIE by Bob. I'm always a fan of Newfie jokes, and of Bob jokes too, so I was really looking forward to reviewing this piece. Unfortunately, the memorandum on the cod dere bye wrecked the corey fishin enter surprises. Oh well, better luck next year, me boy.
DINOSAUR by Alan. Watch out! It's a happy praying-mantis wearing a turtle-neck! Oh wait, it's just Alan's entry. Phew!
OMI by Alex. Unfortunately Omi is on the other side of the family, so no one got the joke. Nice topic, Magdalen! Anyway, as per usual this artist's piece went unrecognized for its true magestic greatness. I'm off to sulk artistically in a rainstorm to the sound of melancholy classical music.
REDHEAD 135 by Anonymous. What the.....?
BITE FACE by Anonymous. This egg is so crazy it chewed off its own face! CrAzY!
THE WINNERS
WHITE TROPHY WINNERS!!!!

(top to bottom) ALAN, KAITLYN, RYELY, MAGDALEN and COLTON. That white trophy gets around more than the village bicycle! This year there are five sets of fingers in that pie, and their work is displayed below in no particular order.
TOO MUCH BEER MAKES YOU BALD by Alan. Really, this one was a shoo-in for some award or other. There are just too many beer-drinking bald guys in our family not to appreciate the humour behind the topic, and the execution is an exceptional likeness. Top marks for this effort: this artist will go far if he can only lay off the beer.
KISS by Kaitlyn. Nobody wants to be Peter Criss, Lois, not even Peter Criss. But the likeness is nevertheless disturbing enough to fleece middle-aged Kiss Army vets of their valuable votes. Hey, it just goes to show there's a sub-market for everything these days.
BODY PART: POOP BUM by Ryely. You know, if you squint right it kind of looks like a bird's eye view of a guy with a mohawk holding a cone of chocolate icecream above his head. If you don't squint just right this piece is just plain disgusting. Who would vote for such appalling crassness? It's a secret ballot, but the smart money is on those very same middle-aged Kiss Army vets. Rock and roll every night, boys, and party every day.
EXTREME SPORTS by Magdalen. As extreme sports go, this one is pretty extreme. Pretty extreme indeed. I laugh now, but no doubt in a couple years ESPN will be showing the world cup of balloon skateboarding in their off-peak time slot and we'll all be thinking: cool! Way to get out in front of the curve, Moggy!
HEAVY EQUIPMENT by Colton. At last, a man's topic! Actually, there were several other eggs that would have qualified ahead of this one, but they were all pulverized into a yolky pulp by some sort of wrecking-ball....
BRONZE TROPHY WINNERS!!!!

(left to right) COLIN, CONNOR and MORGAN. The pyramid thins slightly at the exalted height of third place. Here are the bronzes, again in no particular order:
HABS FAN by Colin. I guess the joke is that no person would ever rationally be a Habs fan, and so the only thing in existence that could possibly bear that label would be an actual fan. To be honest, I had a big blurb about wind-turbines written up before I noticed the piece's label. Anyway, the anti-Habs partisans got together with the folks who have a special place in their hearts for small electrical appliances to vote this piece onto the pedestal.
MONTREAL CANADIENS by Connor. This piece gets top marks for advertising topical safety concerns in the NHL. Still, the ghoulish glee with which the artist painstakingly rendered Max Pacioretty's colision with a stanchion was sure to arouse feelings of revulsion in certain non-Don-Cherry-liking circles. However, even such snooty upper-middle class pinkos as those had to appreciate the artistic flair and precise mathematical vectors behind the blood splatters. In the end, the voting public held their noses (and shielded their eyes) and voted this piece into third place.
PALM TREE by Morgan. This young artist shows impressive egg-art vision in placing an egg in the crown of the palm tree. Impressive bead work for the trunk and the use of feathers and pipe-cleaners for the foliage also demonstrates impressive improvisation. But the coup-de-gras is the seashells strewn about the tree's base on an inviting tropical beach (made mostly out of sand shoveled off the street - I saw her do it). It just goes to show that even the lowliest materials need only some artistic vision to be assembled into a true masterpiece. Good work, Morgan!
SILVER TROPHY WINNER!!!!

ALEX. It's lonely second from the top! Don't worry, Ryely, I'll keep your seat warm until next year. How did I vault into second place? Read on....
BODY PART: BARE BUM by Alex. Yeah, that's right! I rode the faddish tide of bum-making and got off at the crest. This tasteful piece reveals a gracious curve to the buttocks, intricate stitching on quality, brand-name apparel and a delightfully fuzzy belt. Note the well-bathed, groomed and shaved bum region, totally devoid of anything that looks or smells of poop. Oh, and it actually shows the EGG, Ryely. Thanks for the hardware, you dirty hack! See you next year....
THE STEGGLY CUP WINNER!!!!

JEN

That's right, definitely NOT Ryely. Jen is a returning champion (2005) and like those Red Wings never seems to be far from clinching another championship.
JUNGLE by Jen. What to say about this piece? The composition is masterful, the palette sensational and the use of materials is simply brilliant. Methodical pipe-cleaner wrapping combines with fluff balls and fake flower petals to create a fantastic podium for the cherry on top, the egg-shell palm leaves. Add in cutesy monkey character for that "Awwwww" factor and you have a recipe for guaranteed success.
But remember, yesterday's success is today's old news. Next year the bar will be raised higher, and our fearless competitors will have to excel in ways we can only dream of today. So here's to you, Future, you distant and unpredictable beast. Keep an eye over your shoulder 'cause, guess what? We're coming for you.

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